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Saturday, September 20 2008 - 03:35 PM
Bar Jokes
Guy walks into a bar carrying a piece of pavement. Bartender asks, “What’ll it be pal?” The guy says, “One for me and one for the road.”
Cagy Wolf says...
I have a few bar jokes but they can’t be heard here. I have a few that is so funny you’ll bust.
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Captain Jason says...
Three guys walk into a bar… The fourth one ducks.
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Cagy Wolf says...
This one is for Redflag
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells
him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he
belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and
tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left
his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, “No problem, I’ll
send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.”
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked.
St. Peter is having lunch – and they start debating what to do.
Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall
and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one
angel says to the other, “My God! Fidel has been in hell no more
than ten minutes and we’re already getting refugees!”
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marino says...
Guy walks into a barber shop and asks, “Bob Peters here?”. Barber replies, “Nope. Just cut hair.”
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marino says...
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”
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barbb143 says...
Three blondes sit down at a bar;
The first orders a R.W. The bartender does not understand. She replies “ A Red Wine…duh.”
The second orders a W.W. The bartender replies…”Oh…a White Wine”. She replies …”duh.”
The third orders a “15” The bartender asked for help figuring that one out….she replied “a seven and seven….duh!!”
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Frankbradshaw says...
Two women are walking their dogs: one dog a Great Dane, the other a Chihuahua. They go by a bar. The first one says, let’s go in and get a drink. The second says, “we can’t we have our dogs.” The first one says, “just put on your sunglasses and say it’s a seeing eye dog.”
The woman with the Great Dane walks in and the bartender says, “sorry, no dogs.” She tells him that it’s a seeing eye dog, so he lets her in.
The second woman puts on her sunglasses and walks in with her Chihuahua. The bartender says, “sorry, no dogs allowed.” The woman responds that it’s a seeing eye dog. The bartender says, “they use Chihuahuas for seeing eye dogs?”
The woman replies, “they gave me a stinkin’ Chihuahua?!!!???”
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Captain Jason says...
A huge grizzly bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks him up and down and says, “We don’t serve bears here.” The bear says to the bartender, Look, I just woke up from hibernating. I am not in a good mood. Give me the beer!” The bartender says, “We have a strict policy about serving beer to bears and I am not going to serve you.” The bear tells the bartender, “You don’t want to make me any angrier than I already am. If you won’t give me a beer, I’m gonna start eating your patrons, starting with the woman at the end of the bar, there.” The bartender tells the bear, “Do whatever you want, I’m not giving you a beer.”
So, the bear goes over to the heavily made up woman at the end of the bar, kills her, and eats her. The bear comes back to the bartender and says, “See! I warned you! Now give me the damned beer!” The bartender says, “No way, we don’t serve drug users here, either!” The bear is surprised, and says, “Drug user? I’m a bear, what the hell are you talking about?”
The bartender explains, “Well, that was a bar-bitch-you-ate!”
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Ray Cunneff says...
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the 6 o’clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50. that he wouldn’t jump and the redhead replied “I’ll take that bet!”
Sure enough, the man jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”.
The blonde said, “No, a bet’s a bet.” But the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”
The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”
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Captain Jason says...
I don’t know, Barbb, that was technically a blonde joke… ;-)
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marino says...
Excellent jokes!
“Bartender says, “what’s a 15?” 3rd blonde replies, “a 7 and a 7….Duh!” :-)
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marino says...
A woman and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Where’d you get the pig?” The woman says, “That’s not a pig. That’s a duck.” Bartender replies, “I was talkin’ to the duck.” bud-a-bing
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Captain Jason says...
Great idea, marino, s’bout time we all had some laughs around here!
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barbb143 says...
Captain J, in my line of work, all I know is dumb blonde jokes. Everyone feels the need to tell me one.
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Captain Jason says...
Don’t get me wrong, Barbb, I love a good (bad) blonde joke. ;-)
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Me` says...
What did the blond’s left leg say to the blond’s right leg?
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marino says...
2 condoms walk into a gay bar. One turns to the other and says, “Wanna get shit faced?”
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marino says...
What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can’t hear a vitamin.
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Captain Jason says...
Know how to make a hormone? - Don’t pay her.
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Randy Hall says...
For Barbb,
A blind guy walks into a bar, and says “have you heard this blond joke?” The bartender a 6 foot plus 250 pound blond says “hey I’m big the gal next to you is blond an a judo champ, the blond behind you is wrestling champ, the blond chick to your left is Olympic fencing champ, the blond at the table behind you is Karate black belt, do you really want to tell your blond joke now?”
The blind guy says “nah, not if I have to explain it five times.”
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Me` says...
What did the blond’s left leg say to the blond’s right leg?
Nothing. They’ve never met.
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barbb143 says...
Good one Randy,
Lucky I have am not easily offended……besides, most dumb blondes are brunettes that hit the bleach bottle. They give us the bad name.
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Randy Hall says...
A USA citizen in Mexico looses his wallet and attempts to cross the border. The guard says he needs identification to make sure he’s a citizen.
Our citizen says “I can prove I’m an American Citizen.” “How” says the guard.
The citizen says “on my right butt cheek I have a tattoo of Bill Clinton and on my left his wife Hillary.”
The guard says “ok so show me.”
The guys bends way over and pulls his pants down.
The guard says “have a nice trip to Chicago.” Our citizen says “how’d you know I was from Chicago?”
The guard says “because between Bill and Hillary I saw Obama!”
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Captain Jason says...
Randy… Ouch, that was really awful – I loved it! ;-D
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mattkeltner says...
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on a remote island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean after a plane crash where they have been stuck for months awaiting rescue…
While walking along the beach, the women find a lamp and begin to rub it…
A genie pops out and tells each woman that she can have ONE wish and ONE wish ONLY, since there are three of them…
The brunette decides to go first…”Well, I really miss my husband and children, so my wish is to go home and get off this island!”
“Wish granted!” says the genie, and the woman is wisked away…
The redhead says to the genie, “I really miss my boyfriend, my sister and my cats, so my wish is to be sent home too!”
Bam!—the redhead is wisked away…
The genie sees that the blonde seems really distressed, so he tells her to cheer up and make a wish…
The blonde says, “OK, I wish both of my friends were back here on the island with me!”
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Just a mom says...
3 blondes die and go to the pearly gates where St. Pete tell them don’t step on a duck or there will be consequences and they ain’t good. The 3 blondes are careful until 10 minutes into there stay he first blonde steps on a duck. She is summoned by St. Pete and is chainned to a very ugly man. The next to blondes are thinking man I am not going to suffer the same fate. But 2 mos. into the stay the 2nd. blonde steps on a duck she too. was chainned to an ugly man. The 3rd. blonde was doing great and St. Pete saw her often 1 yr. later and she hadn’t step on a duck and so he motioned to her to come see him and she was immdiately attached to the beef cake of all men he had a 6 pack chest and was just pure hunk. The blonde said, wow I don’t know what I did to desrve you ! He said, well I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck
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marino says...
A skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender says, “What’ll you have?” Skeleton says, “Give me a beer, and a mop.”
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