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Thursday, December 03 2009 - 05:59 PM
And Now, For Something Completely Christmas...
And now, the first Christmas jokes of the year…
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter said, “In honor of this holy season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates”.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
1. Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia: I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and…..!
6. Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder: Silent night, Holy… oooh look at the Froggy, can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…!
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable, Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup… just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
T’was the night before Christmas and out of the house,
Came Tiger a flyin’, while chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
’Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d cheated on Elin, and the story progressed.
Gal after gal stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika . . . the world heard the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses & waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,
Tiger’s wife went and bought a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
“If you’re gettin’ laid? Then I’m gettin’ paid.”
No, she’s not pouting, she’s full of good cheer.
Her pre-nup made Christmas come early this year
Ray Cunneff says...
Tell me he was buying this computer for CHRISTMAS.
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Captain Jason says...
Boobs and Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ‘Mom, how many kinds of ’willies’ are there?’
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’.
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes - dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.’
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roxi says...
Holiday Baking
Once again this holiday, I have had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake Recipe so here goes:
Please keep in your files as I am getting tired of typing this up every year!
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality..
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.
Cherry Christmas
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mattkeltner says...
FOR CHRISTMAS
Christmas Apple Cake
1 c. butter, softened
2 c. sugar
4 eggs
3/4 c. grated, peeled apples
1/2 c. rum
3 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. vanilla
3/4 c. boiling water
1 c. raisins
3 c. flour
1 tsp. soda
2 c. chopped walnuts
Instructions:
Beat together butter and sugar until fluffy. Add eggs, beating after each egg. Add apples, rum, pumpkin pie spice, salt, and vanilla. Beat well. Pour boiling water over raisins and let set. Mix in flour and soda. Add raisins and juice. Add walnuts. Bake in 10″×15″ pan or in muffin tins. Bake at 350 degrees for 35 to 50 minutes depending upon size of pan. Makes several small cakes for gifts and stays moist and rich.
FOR HANUKKAH
Cherry-Cheese Blintzes
(Traditional Hanukkah Dessert)
Ingredients
- 1-1/2 cups 2% milk
- 3 eggs
- 2 tablespoons butter, melted
- 2/3 cup all-purpose flour
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- FILLING:
- 1 cup (8 ounces) 4% cottage cheese
- 1 package (3 ounces) cream cheese, softened
- 1/4 cup sugar
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
- CHERRY SAUCE:
- 1 pound fresh or frozen pitted sweet cherries
- 2/3 cup plus 1 tablespoon water, divided
- 1/4 cup sugar
- 1 tablespoon cornstarch
Directions
- In a small bowl, combine the milk, eggs and butter. Combine the flour and salt; add to milk mixture and mix well. Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours.
- Heat a lightly greased 8-in. nonstick skillet; pour 2 tablespoons batter into the center of skillet. Lift and tilt pan to evenly coat bottom. Cook until top appears dry; turn and cook 15-20 seconds longer. Remove to a wire rack. Repeat with remaining batter. When cool, stack crepes with waxed paper or paper towels in between. Wrap in foil; refrigerate.
- In a blender, process cottage cheese until smooth. Transfer to a small bowl; add cream cheese and beat until smooth. Add sugar and vanilla; mix well. Spread about 1 rounded tablespoonful onto each crepe. Fold opposite sides of crepe over filling, forming a little bundle.
- Place seam side down in a greased 15-in. × 10-in. × 1-in. baking pan. Bake, uncovered, at 350° for 10 minutes or until heated through.
- Meanwhile, in a large saucepan, bring cherries, 2/3 cup water and sugar to a boil over medium heat. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 5 minutes or until heated through. Combine cornstarch and remaining water until smooth; stir into cherry mixture. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Serve with crepes. Yield: 9 servings.
Nutritional Analysis: 1 serving equals 247 calories, 10 g fat (6 g saturated fat), 99 mg cholesterol, 310 mg sodium, 31 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber, 8 g protein.
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Randy Hall says...
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an illegal Mexican immigrant outside an Arizona immigration office.
“Good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.”
The man told the fairy. “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.”
The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING ! — he had A brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
“’What else?” asked the fairy, ”two more to go.”
The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here with free education and medical care”
And — PING ! — In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
“’One more wish,” said the fairy, waving her wand.
“Yes, one more wish I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans”. . And - PING!- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared gone the horizon!
“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed. “Where is my new house?”
THIS IS GOOD . . . . … .. …
NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . . .
The fairy said “Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a white American, you’ll have to fend for yourself.”
…And she disappeared.
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Ray Cunneff says...
Corporate Christmas Downsizing:
MEMORANDUM
Today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:
1.The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance.
2.The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
3.The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French.
4.The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds
have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5.The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
6.The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose
per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure
management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
7.The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
8.As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
9.Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
10.Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
11.Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
12.We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion
to include the legal profession (”thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), action is
pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the
right number.
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Captain Jason says...
Just couldn’t help yourself, could you, Randy. Even on a lighthearted christmas-based blog thread, you just have to go for political crap, don’t you. For shame, Randy. Santa’s got coal for you, I bet.
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Captain Jason says...
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”
Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf.”
and she said
“Take a sweater.”
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Randy Hall says...
Thanks CJ, for reminding me you are our police officer of jokes. Sorry to offend you. My humble apologies; hope you forgive me?
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Coober Pedy says...
Jingle Bells (Aussie style)
Dashing through the bush,
in a rusty Holden Ute,
Kicking up the dust,
esky in the boot,
Kelpie by my side,
singing Christmas songs,
It’s Summer time and I am in
my singlet, shorts and thongs
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!, Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.
Engine’s getting hot;
we dodge the kangaroos,
The swaggie climbs aboard,
he is welcome too.
All the family’s there,
sitting by the pool,
Christmas Day the Aussie way,
by the barbecue.
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!, Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.
Come the afternoon,
Grandpa has a doze,
The kids and Uncle Bruce,
are swimming in their clothes.
The time comes ’round to go,
we take the family snap,
Pack the car and all shoot through,
before the washing up.
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!, Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.
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Grumpy says...
And of course, at Christmas we plan the office party!
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Someone? Anyone?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything? Or any one?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All &$%##@ Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The *&#$ Holiday Party
Not another word from you vegetarian +%%$’s!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your ^&ping salad bar, including the G& D#@n organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing screaming right NOW!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
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Cybertariat says...
Surely the ass who invented the first religion ought to be the first ass damned. —Mark Twain
Happy Saturnalia!
Persevere.
Guy
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Cybertariat says...
I am myself a dissenter from all known religion, and I hope that every kind of religious belief will die out.. —Bertrand Russell
May all of you enjoy a wonderful evening. I will :-)-
Persevere.
Guy
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marino says...
Chances of it religion dieng out are slim and none, and Slim’s outta town.
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mattkeltner says...
Happy Saturnalia!
Persevere.
Guy…’I am myself a dissenter from all known religion, and I hope that every kind of religious belief will die out..’ —Bertrand Russell”
I wonder if it has escaped Guy that Saturnalia was also a religious holiday during the Roman Empire when Saturn was worshiped as a god?
If one is going to profess atheism, I would expect that profession to carry completely across every aspect and not be omitted, conveniently, at certain times of the year in order to agitate others.
F.Y.I. —Bertrand Russell was a miserly man and is not thought of very fondly by his daughter or any other surviving relatives, unfortunately. I watched an interview with his daughter one evening, where she told a reporter that her father had secretly visited a Roman Catholic priest several times before he finally passed away. In addition to that, she said she always found him in anguish over the realisation that he probably had been wrong about spirituality for most of his years, but didn’t want to come public for fear of losing his academic stature (that good ol’ Ego at work!). Kabbalah mentions the struggle between the Ego and Light that constantly goes on in everyone. As for Bertrand Russell, though, I believe he made his peace with God, albeit very privately, and that’s all that really matters.
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Randy Hall says...
No Nativity Scene in DC this year
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington DC this year.
This isn’t for any worry about religious discrimination. They simply have not been able to find three wise men in the nation’s capitol.
The search for a virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
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Cybertariat says...
To refer to the Saturnalia as a “religious” holiday is to also traffic in embellishments of epic proportions. And I couldn’t possibly care any less about the man who was Bertrand Russell, I simply find myself in agreement with some of the things he wrote.
Persevere. Guy
back to it… :-)
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mattkeltner says...
From the first line of your link (Wikipedia):
“Saturnalia is the feast with which the Romans commemorated the dedication of the temple of the god Saturn, which was on 17 December.”
Last time I checked, any feast, rite or festival honouring a deity of any sort was, as a matter of fact, religious in nature, regardless of the activities that commenced where it was being observed.
Cybertariat: “To refer to the Saturnalia as a ‘religious’ holiday is to also traffic in embellishments of epic proportions.”
“Trafficking in embellishments” — Really?
You might be studied in Marxism, but I have taken several scholarly courses on Ancient Rome concerning anthropology and art and I can say,for certain, that Saturnalia was a religious festival. It was held in honour of the Winter Solstice to usher in the constellation Capricornius ( believed by the Romans to be ruled by Saturn) and to celebrate the birth of Mithras, the Sun god. It is from this period in Roman history that we inherited the Christmas tradition of using garland to decorate hallways, trees and doorways.
Yes, indeed, an “embellishment”, to be sure!
Academic tip: Using Wikipedia as a source is alright, but bear in mind, that the site doesn’t provide official definitions and is subject to continuous (and potentially faulty) alterations.
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Ray Cunneff says...
Is there a Santa Claus? – a physicist’s view
Consider the following:
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that ‘flying reindeer’ (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.> In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.
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Cybertariat says...
I have it before and I’ll say it again, Matt; your education is one that is far more well-rounded than that of my own. Yes, you are well-versed in relation to Ancient Rome and the like, of which I understand precious little.
That said, I see no amount of what I deem to be the asinine and dogmatic “Trinity” attached to any aspect of the Saturnalia and, therefore, do not see it as possessing religious connotations. And I did not make reference to the Saturnalia “in order to agiate others” but to draw attention to the simple fact that Christmas is a usurpation of the Saturnalia. Nothing more, nothing less!
This will be my final word having to do with this petty matter.
Good evening. :-)
Persevere.
Guy
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Cybertariat says...
Or “I have said it before and I’ll…”
(Damned i-Phone! ;-)
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mattkeltner says...
Seriously? You only define things relating to the Trinity as “religious” ??
Wow! I sort of hope that you’re joking…
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Captain Jason says...
Enough of the religiousity banter of Matt and Guy. And now… back to the jokes!
Ray Cunneff says...
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the Company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd, starting at noon in The private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and Plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special Announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F%ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f%ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them right NOW!
The rest of you f%ing weirdos can kiss my ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hll!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
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Captain Jason says...
A huge Hangover
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating.
Jack asks, “Son. what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, "Oh THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!”
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless
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Ray Cunneff says...
At Christmas, an Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is
a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long
time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies: “Get out. You’re on my side.”
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Captain Jason says...
A Dog’s Rules for Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don’t pee on the tree
b. Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open
e. Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don’t eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. VERY IMPORTANT: A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. _DO NOT BITE HIM!!_
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RealSteve says...
CJ
You left one out.
8. Be on the lookout for BillyWifeBuyer…Christmas means a nice juicy fat dog or two.
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Ray Cunneff says...
One day in early September, the chief of a Native American tribe was asked by his tribal elders if the winter of 2009/10 was going to be cold or mild?
The chief asked his medicine man, but he too had lost touch with the reading of signs from the natural world around the Great Lakes.
In truth, neither of them had any idea about how to predict the coming winter. However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and called the National Weather Service in Gaylord, Michigan.
“Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,” the meteorological officer told the chief. Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told the men to collect plenty of firewood.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Service and asked for an update. “Are you still forecasting a cold winter?”, he asked.
“Yes, very cold”, the weather officer told him.
As a result of this brief conversation, the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find.
A month later, the chief called the National Weather Service once more and asked about the coming winter. “Yes”, he was told, “it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?”’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied: “Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.”
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Captain Jason says...
Computers
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ’Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’………….
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