Thursday, May 08 2008 - 12:28 PM
Hot off the Press!!
Banking Official: Rex Parris Has More Money Than God

Despite the doubts of many individuals in the banking industry, it is now official. R. Rex Parris has more money than God. “I never would have believed it, especially considering how long God has been in business, but the numbers just don’t lie,” stated Hal Finch of the World Monetary Fund. “If Mr. Parris hadn’t lent so much money to his mayoral campaign, he probably would have passed God up on the all-time money list sooner,” Mr. Finch added.

After spending countless hours running the numbers, it was determined that God has $10,930,202,202,002.37. While quite impressive, Mr. Parris has $11,339,202,220,995.08. “This is absolutely astounding!” exclaimed Mr. Parris. “I never set out to have more money than God. Frank Visco maybe, but never God. For the first time in years, I’m speechless!”

When asked for comment, the Lord was silent. “It doesn’t surprise me that God is rather quiet on this issue,” said Mr. Finch. “The Almighty has pretty much limited Himself to written statements over the last couple of thousand years. In fact, He hasn’t had too much public commentary since about 96 A.D. Somehow, I don’t think He’s overly concerned about this, however. I wouldn’t count Him out. God has proven that He has amazing staying power.” added Finch.

When asked about what kind of impact this has on Lancaster, Mr. Parris was philosophical. “I intend to lead Lancaster with truth and righteousness. God is an excellent role model, but the numbers show that He’s fallen a little behind lately. It’s a good thing I came along when I did.” When asked if he thought he was bigger than Jesus Christ, Parris was quite vehement. “I wouldn’t go THAT far. I’m probably bigger than the Beatles, but Jesus? Never. I do, however, think that my election proves what God could do if He only had the money.”

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